November 4, 2016
Rita Skeeter: Thank you both for coming here tonight at this special Wizard debate held at the Magical Congress of the United States. As you all know, I am Rita Skeeter, special correspondent to the Daily Prophet. The rules of the debate are simple – there are no rules. Let’s start with you, Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: Certainly. It would be my pleasure. I have lots of friends who are wizards and witches, and I am glad to say they all love me. Absolutely love me.
Rita Skeeter: Well, let’s see about that, shall we? Mr. Trump you have repeatedly and publically asserted that Secretary Clinton is a witch who usually travels by a broom. Don’t you think that such a disclosure to the Muggle World is a very serious violation of the Statute of Secrecy?
Donald Trump: I don’t think the Muggles, who as we all know are pretty clueless, would realize that I am actually telling the truth . . .
Rita Skeeter: What an interesting concept for you, Mr. Trump. And Secretary Clinton, don’t you think being called a secretary is a bit demeaning, like you’re just going to type up letters and bring your staff coffee?
Hillary Clinton: Well as I’m sure you know, Rita, the term refers to my time as Secretary of State where I . . . . .
Rita Skeeter: I know, I know. Flew all over the world, hundreds of days per year in the air, but I have done the math, and there is no way you could have traveled to that many places without the use of a time turner. So do you admit using a time-turner while Secretary of State?
Hillary Clinton: I wish I had . . . and I note by the way that Collin Powell had even suggested it to me at the beginning, but no, I did not use one.
Rita Skeeter: And tell me, Hillary, don’t you think you’re getting a little old for the position of President of the United States
Hillary Clinton: I’m younger than he is!
Rita Skeeter: Well yes, by a few months maybe.
Hillary Clinton: [petulantly] I’m still younger than he is!
Rita Skeeter: Yes, yes. I sure you are.
Donald Trump: I want you to know that I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent’s youth and inexperience. And by the way, I note that I am much younger than Dumbledore was when he taught Hillary at Hogwarts . . .
Hillary Clinton: You are comparing yourself to Professor Dumbledore. Give me a break. I knew Professor Dumbledore. I was a friend of Albus Dumbledore. Mr. Trump, you’re no Albus Dumbledore.
Rita Skeeter: That had to hurt, a little. Does it bother you that you didn’t attend Hogwarts, Mr. Trump? Flat feet, I suppose.
Hillary Clinton: Flat feet, my eye! Everyone knows he’s a squib.
Rita Skeeter: Is it true, Donald? Are you a squib?
Donald Trump: Look at these hands, and at my 15 inch wand. Do I look like a squib to you? No, I can tell you, no problem there, not in that department.
Rita Skeeter: And you, Hillary, don’t you think it is time to finally tell the Wizarding World, at least, what really happened in Bengasi?
Hillary Clinton: There you go again . . .
Rita Skeeter: Really, why not tell everyone here, right now, that you had asked Ambassador Wilson to remove an Erumpent horn from the embassy! An extraordinarily dangerous thing to have lying about!
Hillary Clinton: [sadly] That is why I asked him to remove it, before it blew up.
Rita Skeeter: Like the one in Xenophilius Lovegood’s house when Harry, Ron, and Hermione went there to find out about the meaning of the Three Perceval brothers.
Hillary Clinton: Precisely.
Donald Trump: There SHE goes again, liar liar . . .
Hillary Clinton: [Waves her hand towards Trump, whose back of his pants burst on fire] . . . pants on fire!
Donald Trump: [jumps up, immensely afraid]
Rita Skeeter: Enough of that [waves her quill pen, fire goes out].
Hillary Clinton: Why don’t you ask him about his brother?
Rita Skeeter: Yes, that might be fun . . . Tell me Mr. Trump, how is your poor brother doing now at St. Mungo’s. Did Gilderoy ever get his memory back?
Donald Trump: No, poor fellow, just sits around signing photos of himself to give away to whoever happens by . . .
Hillary Clinton: I suspect that’s all you will have to do in about three months. Maybe you could move in with him? Two egos are better than one . . .
Rita Skeeter: Now, now, boys and girls, I’m supposed to be the catty one. Just a few more questions, if that is OK. You still want to build a wall?
Donald Trump: Absolutely. The bigger the better.
Rita Skeeter: But why not just use a repelling spell?
Hillary Clinton: Because he can’t. He’s a squib. [She pretends to flick her hand again at Trump’s butt, and he jumps to the side, hiding on the other side of the podium.] See?
Rita Skeeter: And you, Hillary? Speaking of pants, how are you going to keep all the pants on in your family, if you know what I mean?
Donald Trump: Superglue his zipper!
Hillary Clinton: This from the man who is on what, wife number three?
Donald Trump: Women love me. That’s all I can say. They’ll be coming out in groves to vote for me. Because, you know what, I’m likable enough.
Hillary Clinton: I‘ve had enough! Accio Broom! [Her broom swoops in; she deftly mounts it and rises above the stage.] Anyone who votes for this idiot deserves him! Tally ho, all, be sure to vote in November, but not for the damn squib! [She zooms away.]
*Transcript discovered by Lynn Boughey, co-author of Harry Potter and the Art of Spying (with Peter Earnest) and provided as a public service. Web site artofspying.net